Lendai's Little Ledger

Words are written slowly, gently, emotion splattered across each letter and symbol, all carefully placed upon the page with all the tenderness in the world.

Tye, rider of blue Valedath of High Reaches Weyr. Weyrlingmaster. Mother. Friend.

She's gone. Went between the other day, along with Palia. Oooh, Palia. A woman I considered as much a mother to me as both my own and Jala. Probably a woman I'd have rather to be born to. Sure, she was a little touched in the head, but she always had a smile on her face.

People have started asking if I'm going to try to live up to my mother's expectations now that she's gone. Show her glory by her line, all that crap. I give them a tight-lipped smile, nod my head, no words are said.

I won't. The dragonrider my mom expects is unattainable. While Dex and Rhaeyn will always have my mother's admiration, they still were /perfect/. But Dex is... Dex. The daughter my mom wanted me to be. And Rhaeyn is our Weyrwoman. I asked my mom once if she thought Rhae was doing a good job, in comparison to the last few seniors. It had been a while since I saw her get so heated up about something other than weyrling care. Rhaeyn is Tye-trained, after all. I shouldn't have been surprised. She said something to the effect that if half of the goldriders of Pern had even a dash of Rhae's potential, perhaps the old ways would linger on throughout an interval. She told me... "Rhaeyn's strong, so the Weyr is strong." Then went off about how I need to listen and learn better.

...I think she forgot that I impressed a few turns before Rhaeyn did.

She's right though. I wasn't around here for Frusha or Chey, but Rhae is what this Weyr needs.

Perhaps my mother's respect in those two, her high levels of admiration was not unfounded. I'll be watching them closely from here on out.

All the same. No. I refuse to live the rest of my life trying to be what my mom thought was the end all, be all dragonrider. Instead, I will chose to follow Palia's expectations. I'll be happy, I'll live life to the fullest. And to start that off, I'm going to visit Nicholarin. It's been a while since I've seen him last. I need to stop these long gaps between our visits. It's my own fault, I get so carried away in my own life.

You'll live on, Palia! In my thoughts, in your daughters! You'll live on mom. Through Dex's actions and the blood of myself and Yaiili. I worry that girl may be too much like mom, not enough like myself or Il'ad. Maybe I should ask Il'ad out on a date... I'm not altogether interested in him, my heart belongs to another. However... he's not bad looking and he is my sister's father. It couldn't hurt to at least get to know him better.

If I'm going to go to Ista Hold, I should sleep now. Bags under my eyes! Shards. I look closer to 30 than 23. What a bad role model I am for Yai. Letting my appearance slack so badly...

I don't remember the last time I brushed my hair.

...I still need to tell her mom's gone.

The writing ends. A little doodle of a dragon, more stick figure than anything, is all that appears afterward. Perhaps a picture of Valedath, perhaps not.

The writing is plain, nothing overly curvy or jagged. Little designs are here or there, lots of obvious pauses in the writing.

Rhaeyn was correct, there was a gold egg. Linny impressed a rather lovely gold, even Talicanitath took notice at how pretty she looked. I can't help but feel Linny is my replacement, and yet, on another vein, perhaps not. We are reversed, are we not? I was born High Reaches, fostered to Ista Weyr and impressed an Istan gold. She was born Istan, moved to High Reaches and impressed a 'Reachian gold. Perhaps the two of us will get on well. I feel resentment towards her, for reasons that aren't her fault, so I will be as nice as possible.

...

Talicanitath informs me to just wait it out, as High Reaches golds, which she is glad she is not, have a tendency to die early anyway.

Some sadistic, dark part of me finds that so very humorous. Though perhaps Linny's strong Istan center will help destroy the curse that has settled on this place in regards to golds.

I need to talk to Rhaeyn. I feel as if every time I try to take a step in the correct direction, I have her negativity holding me back. She always states that I need to grow up, that I need to put the Weyr first. But the moment I do, I'm told I'm doing it wrong.

I miss Lanti and her way of teaching. She helped me when I was about to drown and now with Rhaeyn, I feel like I can't ever come up for air.

I believe Rhaeyn hates me.

...Again. Talicanitath states something about just giving it some time, the Weyrwoman always dies eventually. I swear, that dragon...

Perhaps I will go and meet Kaelidyth. I'll bring Talicanitath with me. They can bond.

A quickly scrawled 'L' ends the entry.

...
...
...

AHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

This is honestly some great joke on me.

Seriously.

Not funny.

...

Words are pretty normal, nothing really deviating. Actually... the fact it's normal looking is bizarre in and of itself.

What even IS a Junior Weyrling Weyrwoman? That title doesn't even make sense. If Rhaeyn thinks I'm giving up my knot and tassels, she's got another thing coming.

Can't leave the northern bowl... or is it the central bowl? One or the other. Either way, even Tali is grounded. Something she's displeased about. She has an... extreme distaste for the senior gold. It's humorous, in a not-really-funny-but-totally-is.

I'm betting by now, that Seacrafter-woman has already informed Nick of what happened...

And... I'm surprised by how this makes me feel.

It doesn't. I... I honestly don't care. He'll be pissed... and I feel like I could care less. Really, other than being extremely bored, I don't really mind most of this punishment.

I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not anger. Not hatred. Not love. Not sadness. Just nothing.

Maybe this is how I'm supposed to feel. To be impartial. I should ask Rhaeyn if this is how she feels. I mean... once she is speaking to me... on civil terms.

We've got her assistant, Linny, I think is her name? Well. She's running between the two of us, being our 'messenger' so to speak.

My last message was something to the effect of "Get over yourself." but... not quite like that. Though my snark is start to die down. Maybe I'll just send an apology... in a day or two. I shouldn't have lunged at her like that, but, shardit! Talicanitath was so mad, I was so mad, her mad plus my mad was just a bad time altogether.

Ah well.

Nothing... feels alright.

And that's all she wrote.

Letters are really... all over the place. Like, I don't know, the writer is very intoxicated.

I have spent the last few sevendays in a non-stop state of intoxication. I think my liver is failing... or I'm just peeing straight booze now.

Ehehehe! I wrote the word 'pee'!

Haven't seen Nick since he 'ejected me. Guess he never loved me. Dickhead.

Tali keeps talking, booze helps make her shut up.

Wonder if anyones noticed yet. Probably not.

...crap. Just vomited all over my cot.

Guess I'll need to clea--...

It ends right there, the words sort of scrawling off, into nothing.

Shaky, random, and not all too legible, the words are scrawled out, each letter more a chore than the last.

He proved me right and he proved me wrong. Perhaps dragonriders can feel love for someone or something other than their dragons.

However... he showed me that even if that's so, it's not in the stars for us. We may feel, but we're not meant to.

I... I told him I loved him. I didn't mean to, the words just slipped out. I want to say I didn't mean it, it was a desperation move... but I'd be lying to myself.

So.

This is what love feels like?

It hurts. It... really, really hurts. I feel as if my very heart has been ripped from my chest and stomped on.

I said the words, and he just /walked away/! As if I was simply discussing the weather and not spewing forth the words I've never /wanted/ to say.

How many times shall I allow him to hurt me before enough is enough?

All ends there. But have no fear, cause there's a LOG to go with it!

( /I love you!/ )

Log from yesterday's RP with Lendai and Nicholarin.

(  Yes, this may /technically/ be considered attacking one of the Blood. )

Oh noes! Nick follows Lendai back to her ledge! All the way to High Reaches!

( Whatever your issue is--you need to figure it out. )

Words slow to form, groggily written and smudges galore.

Depressed. Hungover. Depressed. Wait. Said that already.

Thought for sure he'd send a note, maybe flowers, anything to say he didn't mean it, I can come visit whenever. We can still make it all work.

Nope.

Men are dicks. I'm going to get drunk. Again.

No "L" again, no nothing. Oh! Wait! There is a little wine glass doodle. That has to count for something?

Words. They are there. In some sort of capacity. And they are full of EMO!

Mmm. Wine is bitter. Veeeery bitter.

At least this crap is. I'm pretty sure Rhaeyn is hiding the good stuff all to herself... I should sneak into her weyr and check... Hmm.

Attacked the Lord Holder of Ista's son today. Was a good time. Really. I mean it.

Nick has written me out of his life. Says I love him, I told him he's stupid and wrong and /he/ loves me. Then went on to say we need to stay away from each other. I said something like "See you later." He said "Probably not ever again."

My heart is bleeding, I'm pretty sure. That's the only way it could possibly hurt this much. Maybe I feel on my chest weird when I dive bombed Nick to the ground.

Haha! That was awesome.

I hate my life. I hate this Weyr. I hate being a 'rider. I hate everything and everyone.

Most of all. I hate Nicholarin. I hate him, with every single bit of my being. I hope his penis shrivels and fall off, his seed dries up, and his balls get mauled by a half-starved canine the size of a herdbeast.

The more I say it, the more it will become true!

Again, I restate...

Fuck my life.

This emo filled journal entry is brought to you by the letter "L" and one giant, anger-filled gold dragon, ready to flame some Holder bitch ass!

Words are written, quick and to the point, nothing fancy and special here.

Fuck my life.

...yep. That's all.

Aaaaaand back to the erratic, obviously pissed off writing. Letters are jerky and quick, leaving tails on some words and others all mushed together.

Not only did he say no to me...

HE'S BEEN SLEEPING WITH OTHER WOMEN.

Other women, but not me.

Do you have any idea how that /burns/? It /is/ my ass. I just know it. I can't help it! My body isn't used to cold weather, it's storing fat!

Met with Tilla, she brought me food on the sands. Informed me she's spent the night with Nick /and/ she saw Erarei and Nick head towards the ground weyrs together.

Are you fucking serious? I get rejected, told we have to wait, and then he goes off with two other women?

There is so, so, SO much wrong with this picture, it is not even funny.

I have no claim on Nick, I know that, he knows that. He can have sex with whoever he wants, whenever he wants. I know I can't tell him otherwise, I have no right. But, by the great golden egg, he can't get me all worked up and then do it with someone else! Someone who /disengaged him/!

AND THEN TELLING ME NO.

I think I should just shack up with Rhaeyn, we can mess around with each other, get our rocks off, but continue our professional relationship.

Sounds better than dealing with all this other crap.

The next man I run into, I'm seducing the hell out of.

The "L" is a bit smaller than normal, hastily written, as if the writer had other things to attend to.

Words are written in haste, quick motions that make scratchy appearing letters. In a rush, or annoyed?

He shook his head. Shook it and said no.

What the hell does a girl have to do to get some? I mean, really!

Oh, I understood at the time. I guess going up to my mom's weyr and doing it in there would've been... awkward. But its not like I've got many other choices, here! I don't have a weyr here yet! I'm still waiting on word from the Istan Weyrleaders. And something tells me Rhaeyn wouldn't appreciate me shedding my clothes in public and making a fool of myself.

/GAH/!

He said no.

What the hell has Pern come to that a woman offers a fling a gets told no?

Oh gawd, I bet he noticed how large my ass is getting. He must not like big butts.

This sucks.

And that is that. Her usual "L" is placed in its normal spot, with a cheeky little :P face under it.

The words are all over the place, whimsical and free, following a freedom and randomness all their own. Little hearts are here and there. Just designs all over the place.

I'm staying at High Reaches. Forever!

And I've found love lust.

Yes. Lust. That other word is wrong and far, far too sticky. Plus, my duty is to my Weyr, while his is to his Hold. It's quite a story, really. I wonder if I should ask a Harper to make a story. There is that nice new Weyrharper, perhaps I can explain the situation to her. She can make a cute little ditty that'll make me laugh.

Ah, journal. He is /disengaged/! Free from the claws of that trader-lass! Erarei is her name. And I believe I have met her before, the day of Talicanitath's clutching. She was with Eric, the guard. Talking with him. She was /right there/! I could've beat her face in like I've wanted to for so long.

At any rate, he's more mine now than he's hers. And while I realize that he has to take a wife and have babies and all that stupid jazz, that doesn't mean I can't be his mistress!

I might need to hide my face behind some nice scarfs when at the Hold. But, eh! Relations are good and no one will know what I did anyway.

O'bama has been trying to sneak onto the sands more lately. Talicanitath requires me to be out there with her much of the time. I think I've lost about five pounds from the heat. And while I'm looking fantastic, I almost passed out at least a half dozen times.

I'm going to take a loooong vacation after this clutch is off the sands. Going to steal Nick and have the two of us go to some random Island in the middle of the ocean. Oh! Like that one we brought the Istan candidates too! Where... was that though. No matter, I'll figure it out!

I'm so bloody happy!

Now if I could just get him in bed... I bet he's fantastic in the sack!

And that is that, the writing stops, as per usual, and a little extra <3 is placed at the end, next to the large, loopy L.

The letters are scratched fast, with jerky motions.

V'arik is hot. He's got this whole adorable innocent air about it.

I wanna pop his man cherry.

Oh yeah.

A large L is all that comes after the words.

The words are lazily written, sloppy to a point, but still legible. They seem to simply flow with out much worry or care.

This vacation was exactly what both myself and Talicanitath needed. She's already looking like her old self, her hide gleaming with health and beauty. She's starting to have that fat-look to her belly though. No doubt those eggs are forming.

Ah yes, she finally rose. And, of course, some moronic little bronzeriding weyrling won. It's something both Tali and I do not discuss. I see it as something of an embarrassment. Seriously. Going from a rider like R'yn to some good for nothing weyrling. And then the little prick went and declared himself Weyrleader and myself Weyrwoman! I was sure Rhaeyn was going to kill me when she heard, but actually... she was quite nice. Took it out on O'bama though, heard she kicked his ass. Ha! He deserved it. If that prick thinks he'll get to sand-sit with Talicanitath and myself, he's got another thing coming.

I find myself... quite enjoying the atmosphere here at 'Reaches. I miss it. I enjoyed growing up here. It's not Ista, no. But it doesn't need to be. It's High Reaches. I know, eventually, I'll have to go back to Ista. But a piece of me... just doesn't want too.

Even Tali seems to be adapting. Though she has confided in me her extreme dislike of the Weyrwoman's dragon. They actually have a bit in common, from what I've noticed. Tali just seems a bit more... refined in her leadership, while Rhaeyn's dragon is more pushy and aggressive. But both are quite egotistical.

I hear that Lanti pretty much has everything fixed between Ista Hold and Ista Weyr. I'm... well. Extremely impressed. And she fixed it all without ever telling people what myself and numerous others have done. Now /she/ is Weyrwoman material. Minka should sit back and learn a thing or two... I should also take my own advice.

I agreed to help out a bit at High Reaches Weyr with whatever Rhaeyn needs. I should probably actually start doing stuff. People are starting to notice my lack of involvement. It's just /so nice/ to relax, sleep in, not worry!

But soon I'll be stuck on the damn sands. Faranth! I'm not looking forward to that. There better be a shit ton of eggs, or I'm going after O'bama myself. He better not have infected my dragon with his awfulness!

Ah well. That's all for now. Perhaps I'll go do some archiving. Maybe snoop around the stores. I'm dying to make a cold-weather gown! With a fur lining! I need to talk to a weaver...

It's funny...

I find myself not ever wanting to go back.

A large, loopy L is placed at the bottom of the page, with a few doodles and drawings around it.

The words are sketchily placed upon the hide, many jagged edges to each letter and no fun and loopy loops. Perhaps the writer is worried?

I told her. I /told her/! How the hell did that happen?

At least I made it clear that she will get no names from me. I'll take those with me into Between. Talicanitath doesn't think we can trust her or Dedanseth. She's positive the two have already been to the Weyrleader and Weyrwoman.

But... then wouldn't they have approached me? That's the only thing that makes me stay where I am. And, of course, my pride. I can't just up and leave my Weyr. That will only solidify their ideas of me. They think I'm immature and didn't think through my actions. I did. I know exactly what I did. I thought about it long and hard.

I'd do it again. In a moment.

However... I should send some flowers or something to Lzi. Maybe go and visit. Lzi would keep quiet if she knew it was me, right? Hmm. I don't know.

I'm not quite sure what to do now. Lanti said I can help, but she never said what I can help with.

Shards. I need to get a hold of Pippa. Let her know Lanti knows but that I didn't drop her name. I'm not sure if Pippa will tell or not that she helped raid. That's her choice. I almost hope she doesn't, but that woman is just as shardin' stubborn as the rest of us.

Ista needs less hardheaded women in its midsts.

Well. Let's hope this isn't my last entry. Worse comes to worse, I hightail it to Ista and hide out with my mother. Or maybe Rhaeyn would hide me. I should go and see her. Maybe get some perspective on my options. How sad is it I need advice from a woman who hasn't even been a dragonrider for a full turn? She just... seems to have it all figured out. Tali is five now, and I still don't feel like I have a clue.

Ah well. Whatever happens, happens.

It'll be my karma.

( Linked from Lanti's LJ! )

Writing is sloppy, oh so sloppy. As if the person just woke up or is about to go to bed. Oooor has a raging hangover.

Never. Drinking. Again.

Woke up naked at High Reaches Weyr.

Pretty sure I slept with Rhaeyn and that one greenrider. Um... don't recall his name. Hunkyboy.

Faranth, my brain is trying to escape my head. The pounding! I want to just go back to bed, but Talicanitath is scolding my unladylike behavior. Bah! What does she know.

'Reachians know how to party.

Memo to self. Visit more often.

Writing stops. No fancy L this time. Just a simple X and that is all.

The words scrawled onto the page are jagged and written quickly. Much of it is smooshed together, words running into one another. Perhaps the writer is concerned?

I, Lendai, Istan rider of gold Talicanitath, am the leader of the raiders. Let this be my confession.

With the help of many other inhabitants of the Weyr, both rider and resident, we have been pilfering goods from the Hold. Goods that are rightfully our own! The Hold denied us our tithe, our earned right for spending years saving their righteous asses! We've lost good men and women, wonderful dragons, all to save them! And what do they do? Deny us life! Because by taking away our supplies, you take away our livelihood.

But we shot back at them. We took what was ours. Perhaps though... we took too much. Or took too much, too soon, too fast. I'm unsure where I went wrong, but now it appears as if we are the ones being stolen from. Which is an outrage! No one should dare to insult /my/ Weyr in such a manner!

I do not wish repercussions from Minka and D'baji just yet though. Though honestly, what can they do? Talicanitath assures me they would never be rid of her. More so since Jeyth and Pippa are also raiders as well. They couldn't possibly get rid of us both. Though with Hannah back... they could try to ship us to another Weyr. Though how stupid would that be? Both Talicanitath and Jeyth are strong, able bodied golds! Young with many, many turns of clutches ahead of them. Jeyth, I believe, is due to rise any day now. While Talicanitath should be going up soon again as well.

Ah. It seems my confession turned into something of a rant.

Is it bad that, more than anything, I want to rebel again my Weyr's leadership? Must be Talicanitath's influence. Shards, what would my mother say? Bah. You know what? I don't care what she'd say. Ista is my concern, not her.

Perhaps I should go and meet the new goldrider at High Reaches. Maybe make an ally? Couldn't hurt.

The writing stops at that. A loopy and lovely L written at the very bottom of the page.

There is no joy erupting forth from the writing on this page. Spatters of spots where words may have been are now gone, possibly from tears that were shed as one wrote.

He's gone.

He's gone.

It doesn't matter how many times I write that out, but it's still a bitter pill to take. Nicholarin was found out. How? I have no idea. But it wasn't from me or from my dragon. So I can only assume someone inside the his hold had found out and alerted his father.

He had the chance to stay, but decided to go on and do his duty. All because of what we talked about.

We never even stood a chance.

I'm a goldrider and he's the official heir of the Istan Lord Holder. If I am ever to be the Weyrwoman, we will meet as alliances instead of friends. Or possibly even enemies. But Nick is a fair boy, so I must have hope that the Weyr and the Hold will never see unfriendly times.

Talicanitath is sad for me, though I can feel she's a little relieved. Says it wasn't meant to be. My duty is to my Weyr. Our duty is to the Weyr.

Sometimes I wish I never impressed. Sometimes I wish my parents weren't dragonriders. Sometimes I wish I was someone completely different.

I'm just as stuck being a full fledged goldrider as I was being a candidate and a weyrling.

So this is the rest of my life? This is what it means to have obligations? This is what it /truly/ means to be a goldrider. To be a Junior Weyrwoman. Shards, I wonder what more comes with being /the/ Weyrwoman! Perhaps I should be easier on Minka.

I guess all that's left to do is get going on this hidework. Even if it's not important, I need to do my duty. And support my dragon.

The eggs are starting to harden.

The Weyr will prosper.

A small L is written, all curvy and elegant. And below it, a small note is made.

Dragonman avoid excess
Greed will bring the Weyr distress;
To the ancient laws adhere,
Propers thus the dragon-Weyr

(Log to come once the player stops being a lazy ass and edits her logs ;)

He /lied/ to me! All that time, I was falling for the jerk, and he was LYING to me.

He IS the son of the Istan Lord Holder! He's the son! The /heir/ to the Lord Holder spot! And in all the time I've known him, in all the time we chatted, he /never told me/!

Well I got him good. Slapped him clear on the face and marched off. HA! Take that.

Time passes between the two entries, though still are on the same page.

I'm starting to regret my actions. It took a good talk with Talicanitath and some thinking, but maybe he had a point. I was pretty... well... I wasn't the best of children. Talking about the Lord Holder's son like I did. I still feel like I'm a giant joke to Nick but...

Shards, I like him so much and he... he must hate me. And what's worse, he has someone else. Someone /important/ to him. A girl that's important. I ruined my chance with him. Completely ruined it. He likes someone else, he thinks I'm a twit, and then I went and slapped him.

But he /hugged/ me. Like he hug-hugged me. Like a real hug. A I'm-not-going-to-let-you-go hug! Or maybe I'm just reading into it and he just wanted me to shut up.

Sometimes, I hate this Weyr. I hate it and I hate my position in it. I think once those eggs hatch, Talicanitath and I are going on a long vacation. It's not like we'll be missed.

How am I to even show my face around here?

(Log to come!)

The writing is jagged at best. Harsh lines scrawled here and there, noting the anger behind the writee. Throughout the message, there are a number of tears, as if the writer jabbed the hide just a tad too much.

I swear to Faranth! This entire bloody Weyr is out to get me and my dragon! The candidates are all crazy, the Weyrleaders hate me, and Talicanitath has to share her sands with another gold!

And the /hidework/! By the great golden egg, it just keeps heaping up inside my weyr. I haven't touched the lot of it since I first graduated. I'm starting to worry if the Weyrleaders have noticed or not. I just... don't want to do it. At all. Why should I have to scribe things anyway? That's what residents are for. I'm doing my job. I'm Tali's rider, she's had eggs, there you have it. Weyrlife goes on. Plus, it's not like we'd be the Weyrwoman anytime soon. Minka's dragon proved to not be sterile with her clutch, so we dodged a bullet there.

Thank Faranth.

Seriously though. Have you ever heard of a dragon just NOT having eggs? I'm worried that it's genetic. I mean, Lanti's gold is Talicanitath's dam, right? And I believe Minka's is Lanti's dragon's dam. So really, it could happen to us too.

I won't let it though. We couldn't live with that embarrassment!

Oh, and did I mention that Nick is a candidate? Yes, /that/ Nick. I... I've never forgotten about him. I wonder if he still likes me? Is it weird that I hope he does? Shards. I always seem to act like a total spazz around him. I freaked out in the caverns when I saw him today, forced this one resident to be a candidate, all cause I thought they were together.

I'm not /allowed/ to like a candidate. I'm pretty sure there are rules about that!

What am I to do!?

And just like that, the writing is finished. Though the end does seem much smoother than the beginning.